The Season For Giving Hope & Courage

This Holiday Season 

I Encourage Each of You to 
Give The Gift of Courage & Hope 

To Women with Breast Cancer.  

Just $25 
Can Help Brave Girl Boxes Ship 2 or More Care Packages!

Thank You From The Bottom of My Brave Girl Heart

Click To Donate

 

I Did A Brave Brave Thing...

Hey Everyone,  

It's been a while, right!  So I've been really really busy with Brave Girl Boxes and I'm so proud of what it's doing...but truly, it ain't easy.  There are so many women in need of courage and comfort because there are way too many women being diagnosed with breast cancer, more young women in particular than should ever be.  This is a fact that breaks my heart every day.

Recently, while making connections and joining a closed group on Facebook, I met a totally cool chick doing really brave stuff!  Here name is Melanie Childers and she and her husband have started a podcast called Badass Survivors.  Shortly after joining the closed group I received an invitation to be on her podcast.  I was super scared and feeling pretty uncertain if it was something I was brave enough to do.  After all, it's really easy to speak with written words and behind the walls of technology without actually being heard, no one listening to your actual voice as the words flow from your mouth.  What if I said something stupid or wrong?  I contemplated this invitation for a bit but really didn't think I could do it.

Then I changed my mind.  I actually decided to do it.  But not until I got the push I needed desperately.  A push I knew all too well would work, but somehow still needed the nudge to take the leap.  What was that push you ask?  The nudge that got me to say yes?  It was two things really.

First, I talked to my husband about it.  He has been my biggest champion and supporter from the day I met him.  He has championed me and lifted me up when cancer beat me down and depression held me by the throat...ready to strangle me.  He has allowed me to evolve and transform myself and my life.  He made me feel okay changing things up so I could do it all the way I wanted to.  The way I felt was most enjoyable and satisfactory after cancer stripped me of the person I mostly used to be.

I told him about the invitation to speak on the Badass Survivors podcast and about my fears of being small and insignificant to anyone who might tune in.  Why would they care about me, what I think, have to say or what I'm working on?  And you know what he did?  He told me to listen to another podcast that he had just been listening to.  It was a guy sort of podcast...I thought why (he's into history and that sort of thing so I couldn't imagine how this would help me)?  But then he revealed that, of all people, one of my favorite authors was a guest on the show.  Elizabeth Gilbert!  You know, author of Eat, Pray, Love...and the inspiration of the title of my blog (in case you didn't know...Attraversiamo is from Eat, Pray, Love).  So my interest was peaked instantly.

I listened to it.  It was amazing.  It was exactly what I needed to hear because it was all about FEAR!  I've said it before and I'll say it again...I did not feel like a brave girl before I got cancer.  Sure I did things "other" people might have thought of as brave...like oh, one year I worked as a wilderness survival instructor, in the desert of Idaho (that was actually pretty brave, I now admit) but I was young and foolish...not so fearless at the time.  And let me tell you, as soon as I got scared...that's when I quit (so there you go, I wasn't so brave).

So as I listened to the podcast she describes fear being ever present in her life.  Especially as a creative person.  Many creatives often have indescribable fears and hesitations about their work and what people will or might think about it.  But she says she finally learned to put fear in it's place.  And it's a practice.  I've often liked and posted the inspirational phrase "Punch Fear In The Face."  But sharing this advice and doing it are two separate things.

Elizabeth compares her beginning a new book to the start of a road trip.  She says (and I'm paraphrasing) that fear is always there when you begin and perhaps even throughout your travels.  But on this road trip, YOU are the driver, director, decision maker.  Fear on the other hand can NOT take the wheel, or read the map, or give directions.  Hell, fear isn't even allowed to sit in the front seat...it must sit in the back.  And she reminds us that fear is very chatty, always chirping in our ear and when it sees us paying no mind to it, it can try and get really loud.  At those times along the journey, it is essential to tell fear to shut up.  My version would be to shut the F*ck Up!  I'm sure Elizabeth might even use the phrase in necessary moments.  It was an amazing podcast.  And I couldn't be more grateful to my husband for sharing it with me.

He then gave me a little pep talk a week later when the fear was creeping up on me again.  He said, "Remember Melissa, fear can't drive this bus.   It can come along for the ride like Elizabeth said, but it has to ride in the back."  And he was right.  I needed to stop letting the self doubt and "what ifs" control how I moved forward,  I had things to say.  I have a voice that I think deserves to be heard, if at least by one person who could use it.  I have a project I began that needs to be talked about in order to grow and get the help it also deserves.

So I contacted Melanie and said okay, I'll do it.  A couple weeks later we did it.   And I was so relieved when it was over.  I was terrified.  Then, a week later I got another message from Melanie that the recording was bad (sound interference) to the point of inaudibility.  I could have been crushed and afraid of doing it again.  But instead, I spun it in my head, and decided it was an opportunity to do it even better perhaps, like the first run was practice and this was the real deal.  We went ahead and rerecorded.  It was so awesome and easy talking to Melanie because she is in no uncertain terms, so genuine and real.  And she "gets it."  She really "gets it."

I got a message from her as soon as the podcast was ready to air.  It made my heart race and my hands sweat.  She told me I had an hour before it was downloadable on iTunes for all to hear.  So, the crazy, controlling, fear mongering part of me listened immediately with the thought that if it was terrible she could pull it off the podcast.  But even though it wasn't perfect, it was good.  I trusted myself.  And when I trust my voice, I'm certain I'm on the right path.

Here it is folks.  I hope you like it.  I hope you share it for anyone who needs it or might benefit from it.  Badass Survivors is available on iTunes and I encourage you to subscribe (it's free).  All topics are breast cancer related.  Melanie had breast cancer too and this is her way of giving back (in a not so small way might I add).  Our conversation highlights my project with Brave Girl Boxes, my cancer story, my battle with depression and Tamoxifen and lastly what helps me get through it all.  Because the dance with cancer is never really over, even when you show no evidence of disease.  It's with you forever.

I love what she's doing so much so, that I decided to launch the production of a metal and leather cuff with hand stamped Badass Survivor on it and it's coming soon to my Etsy shop (The Brave Sparrow) and all proceeds go to help support this podcast.  While you're there, check out the other Brave Inspired items that help support Brave Girl Boxes.  

And if you're bored, come follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and  Pinterest where I try to keep us all in the loop on what happening in the world of breast cancer, cancer health related advice, recipes, my life, and how I do my best to deliver "Courage In A Box" to newly diagnosed breast cancer patients as much as I possibly can.

xo Melissa

I Will Return to Writing...

August 23, 2014

I've been so crazy busy and pre-occupied with the creation and distribution of Brave Girl Boxes that I've made no time to get back here and document my thoughts, feelings and life as it is.  What little time I have had I've used to either rest or care for others (mainly my grandson).  I need a few days to get my head together and decide how to catch you up or if I should just start where I am rather than where I left off.  We'll see.  So for now, just know I will return to writing.  

The Brave Girl Boxes Project Is Really Coming Along!

I'm so excited about how well this is going!  We are really making this happen and I am so grateful and appreciative of those who have donated and sent messages of encouragement.  Helping newly diagnosed women find Courage, Comfort, Nourishment and Connection is my dream.  Check out the fundraising page to see what's happening and what amazing and cool companies are contributing to the boxes!  

And if the project touches your heart and you feel moved to help please donate and help spread the word by posting the link of the fundraising page on your Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Email etc.

Thank you from the bottom of my Brave Girl Heart!

xo Melissa

December 2013

December marked one and half months post implant placement and I felt pretty good.  But I was missing Cara immensely and finding myself lost without someone to take to care of besides myself.  I wasn't exactly sure what to do anymore.

I tried to distract myself with Christmas and shopping and such but everything I saw made me think of Cara.  Before she left after Thanksgiving she opened all of her Christmas presents at her request (so we obliged).  It was so anticlimactic and I felt so "un-right" about the whole thing.

Dale threw himself into work by doing tons of overtime and he didn't want to talk a lot about Cara's absence.  I on the other hand needed to talk about it with someone so my therapist got an earful on a weekly basis while I struggled to work through my emotions.  I felt a lot of anger and I wasn't sure why.  I was confused and sad and heartbroken all at the same time.  My therapist said anger can often be a mechanism to avoid sadness and pain.  It's like a shield we protect ourselves with.  That made so much sense to me.  And it explained why everytime I wanted to talk to Dale about it he would get agitated, uncomfortable and sometimes downright mad.

During December I had several doctor appointments.  First to the gynecologist to discuss my breast cancer diagnosis after which she wrote me orders to have an ultrasound of my ovaries to get a baseline and see how they looked.  Ovarian cancer, as many of you know, is highly correlated with breast cancer.  Highly!  There is a lot of ovarian cancer in my family.  I still have not been tested for BRCA1 and 2 because my insurance won't agree to pay for it.  They say it's not a covered benefit even in light of OBAMACARE which requires it to be covered.  Some insurance policies are "Grandfathered" and don't have to change.  That's a story I'm not done telling but it's for another day.

I woke up early the morning of my scheduled ultrasound and headed (along with all the morning traffic) to my appointment.  It was a super cold morning, one that left everything covered in ice from the previous day and nights storm.  I had the heat cranked up in the car and 15 minutes into my drive I heard this CRACK!  My windshield was suddenly divided into upper and lower and had one big long line from one side to the other.  Great, I thought.  Nice way to start the morning.  One more thing to take care of.

I arrived at my appointment a little late after getting "lost."  They conducted the ultrasound of my ovaries which was not so bad really (my sister has instilled the fear of God into me for some reason).  You have to arrive with a full bladder and since I got "lost" and was a bit late my bladder was extremely full and I could not wait for it to be over.  Thankfully it's only the first part the requires the full bladder and they immediately let you go to the bathroom after (YAY!).  I finished the rest and the doctor said everything looked great. 

WOW! that was perhaps the first doctor appointment I'd had in a long time where someone said everything looked ok and they didn't order some other test or exam.  I was pretty happy about that and so I treated myself to a Starbucks on the way home.  But I didn't quite make it home...

...not so fast anyway.  About 10 minutes after stopping for coffee the car started to overheat and was erupting all sorts of smoke from under the hood of the car so I pulled over of course and turned the car off.  Mind you I'm on the side of Interstate 66 and I was not lovin' life at that moment.  I called Dale and my father-in-law and the repair shop and the tow company and finally two hours later I was dropped off at my husband's work so I could take his car home.  Meanwhile our car was at the shop being checked out.  That would not go well either...

...almost $3,000 later the car was fixed.  That's all I have to say about that.

I had two more doctor appointments before we needed to leave for Maine.  My primary care doctor was swapping my antidepressant to prepare me for the new hormonal drug Tamoxifen that I would be taking for the next five years.  I had been taking Prozac (I like it and did well on it).  Now I was on Effexor.  I can't say I was a big fan and it took some real adjusting to.  I discussed my increased sadness and anxieties after Cara left so I wanted to adjust my anxiety medication dosage.  That would help a lot.  We also increased the Effexor dosage...that would NOT help (I'll discuss later).  My plastic surgeon was just checking on the results of the implant placement and healing.  Everything looked great!  Yay, I love easy doctor visits.

The night before we left for Maine we attended the stage performance of ELF at the Kennedy Center in D.C.  Oh my goodness was it fantastic!  I love love love going to shows at the Kennedy Center.  What a treat.  And it was just like the movie which I adore.  And to my surprise and delight, Dale really liked it too!

We hit the road at night which we always do when we drive to Maine.  It helps us avoid the New York traffic...usually.  This particular time we just so happened to get caught up in the fiasco that would be known as "Chris Christie Bridge Scandal."  That right...it took us almost two hours to cross the George Washington Bridge while 4 lanes of late night trucking traffic all tried to merge into 1 lane of traffic while the bridge was under construction!!!!!!!!  I was lucky that I could rest...but Dale was driving and he was not happy.  He did however pass the time with lots of podcasts and a little gaming on his phone since an inchworm moved faster than we did.  We would later learn what we had been caught in and the scandal it was.

We had a fantastic Christmas!  My family always makes it wonderful when we visit.  I love that I get to relax and just enjoy my cousins and my aunt and uncle.  There home is certainly like my other home.  It was a houseful for a good part of the week.  Eight of us and three dogs eeeegadzz!  But it works.  We ate, we drank, we laughed, we played, we rested, we shopped and we ate and drank some more.  

Matching PJ's Christmas Morning!

Cheers!

 

A Real Italian Sandwich by Amato's

Me and Courtney in N. Conway NH

My "other" Sister!  xoxo

Lunch at The Black Cap in NH was sooooo good!

Leaving was hard but we did so just in time because a big storm was about to dump another foot of snow the very next day.  Dale wanted to stay and get snowed in...I on the other hand was ready to get back to our routine.  I had eaten enough for the next couple of weeks and I really needed my home and routine back.  Plus I missed the cat.  Go figure.

Niles

Happy Love Day

If you haven't already, please check out a lovely website www.bravegirlsclub.com  

I love their mission and their spirit.

Brave Girl Boxes

Sorry I've been M.I.A this past week!

I am busy working on a very special project for newly diagnosed breast cancer patients.

 I hope to bring to life very soon!

In the meantime, we are gathering crowd funding and partnering with amazing companies and artists who create inspiring, beautiful and comforting products to assist women during their diagnosis and treatment and promote BRAVERY!

Love to all my Brave Girls xoxo

Please donate if you can and help be part of spreading the word by sharing the link to our funding site.

BRAVEGIRLBOXES

Saying Goodbye To Cara

November 2013 was also a really hard month for our family regarding life with Cara.  

We started to learn some heartbreaking things were happening in her life.  We would soon realize we hardly knew the half of it.  This would be the saddest part of my entire year.  Forget cancer.  I wanted to fight for Cara and we did.  But eventually the fight for her would end in her return to live with her mother (something I was really against in my heart) which is what she really ultimately wanted.

She left on a plane the day after Thanksgiving.  

Only 6 months after she arrived.  

I'm still reeling from what happened and I am still trying to live with this change but I find it very difficult. 

I miss her, love her, worry about her and pray for her.  

There is a whole in my heart in the shape of Cara.

 Boxes Destined to Cara in Idaho

Shakespeare Park Boise Idaho

Outer Banks, NC

Crescent Beach State Park, Maine

Boise Zoo

Space Museum, D.C.

Favorite Pic of Us!

 

Falling Into Autumn and Fake Boobs!

Fall is my favorite time of year. 

 It reminds me of Maine and all the impending change that is about to occur all around us, but especially in the colors of the landscape and the smells that emerge but most of all, the noticeable crisp air (this is by far my favorite).  Oh, it's also the time of year for Apples!  I love apples.  And I make the bomb Apple Crisp with a little help from my girl Martha Stewart.  This is Cara's favorite dessert, hands down.

Our household has been vicariously submerged into European Soccer from the day any of us made contact with my husband Dale.  The girls since the day they were born and me since we moved in together.  He is a, dare I say, FANATIC!  So when the opportunity to see a game other than on the t.v. screen we try not to miss out.  Since we live in Northern Virginia the team "we" support is obviously D.C. United.  We caught a game with my brother and sister in-laws and as usual it was terrific!  Lots of energy and noise noise noise, everywhere noise.  But I'm sure it's nothing compared to an actual European match which I hope and pray one day I will get the pleasure of seeing and hearing in person.

Near the end of September we supported Dale and the family crew in their annual Chili Cook-Off.  They have been doing this for nearly two decades.  What used to be the DC101 Chili Cook-Off has now turned into the Clarendon Days Chili Cook-Off so to have a more family atmosphere.  I thoroughly enjoyed it and I think making it more family friendly is a wonderful change (although I had never actually been to the previous venue).  This would be my first actual appearance at any of their contests.  And I know the entire bloodline of the Wright Family can throw down some mean chili.  They are afterall from Texas.  My husband always nostalgically recalls his favorite memory as a boy was the smell of his father roasting peppers on the grill.

 

Cara's Games continued on a regular basis, sometimes three nights a week.  We secretly couldn't wait until the season was over but we certainly enjoyed being able to watch and support all the girls at SJHS!

In October (Breast Cancer Awareness Month) we went to Breast Cancer Bites, an event in D.C. to raise money for the GW mobile mammography unit, which provides breast cancer screenings to people who may not be able to afford them.  There was wonderful food, people, entertainment and vendors.  We had a great time, especially since we got to see Five For Fighting and Great Big World perform!  Cara really enjoyed that part I think.

Cara is recording this and enjoying this more than you know!  

They were on GLEE which made her grin from ear to ear and have since appeared on The Voice and recorded with Christina Aguilera! 

Guitar Signed by P!NK Up For Auction

 The Scary Escalator in Rosslyn!!  WAAAY too steep for my liking.

I also wrangled my friend Kristi into attending the Bra Day Celebration put on by my plastic surgeon's office every October.  Rooftop soiree, drinks, eats, mingling, talking to the docs and the 3D tattoo artist he refers all his patients to.  That was the highlight of my night.  His name is Vinny and he works out of Baltimore.  Vinny specializes in nipple tattooing and he is truly gifted with a talent that provides so many of us what we are in need of.

One thing I really wanted to experience but didn't get to was the Sara Bareilles Concert at the Lincoln Theater.  She has been such an inspiration for me this year.  I've loved her music for a long time but this year her song "Brave" came out.  It was right around my diagnosis and surgery and I really needed a theme.  Brave became that theme.  In all I had to go through, I constantly reminded myself to "just be brave."

My husband's birthday came and went without even a photo.  That makes me sad.  We celebrated with a nice dinner at his parent's house, but it just wasn't the year for big birthday celebrations.  I'll make it up to him next year.

Something really cool began in October that I was super excited and absolutely terrified too at the same time.  Oprah (I lover her Super Soul Sunday Series on OWN) and Brene' Brown collaborated to produce and online 6-week course on Art Journaling and the exploration of the guideposts in Brene' Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection (which I highly recommend).  She sort of become one of my biggest influences this year and I admire her deeply.  The course was wonderful and it took a lot of willingness to be honest with myself.  

This is Brene' Brown...my Guru of sorts :)

And Me...This was our first assignment!

I loved the course so much that I'm going to do Part 2 of the course which developed after Part 1 was so incredibly successful!  And you don't have to be creative/artistic to do it.  Just be yourself and you'll b surprised what happens!

If you aren't familiar with Brene' you should check out this video.  Her TED Talk went viral overnight and suddenly the topics of shame and vulnerability were being highlighted and everyone was in awwwwwe!  I know I was. 

I met with my oncologist for the first time in October.  We discussed that Tamoxifen would be the drug that I was advised to take for the next five years.  I was really wrestling with whether or not I even wanted to take Tamoxifen at all.  Did I want to go into early menopause?  Did I want to add to my already moody tendencies?  And did I want to switch my great working antidepressant for a new one because if I was going to take Tamoxifen I would HAVE to change it up.  Prozac nullifies the effectiveness of Tamoxifen as do all SSRI's.  This would be something for me to really consider.  But I still had one more surgery before I would have to decide.

October 30th I underwent surgery to remove the expanders!  YAY!  I can not say that strongly or loudly enough.  The excitement and anticipated relief of no longer sleeping with expanders was so huge that it almost overshadowed any concerns about the implants.  I chose to have silicone implants for several reasons (all in comparison to saline implants).  

• Natural Looking
• Natural Feeling
• Less Likely to Ripple
• Safety

Surgery was a breeze.  Recovery was easier than any other thus far.  The results...I was not so positive about at first.  But time would bring me confidence and honest joy and happiness with how things turned out.  But oh boy, what immediate comfort I achieved in this swap.  It really is like night and day.  Every patient who has been through it will tell you the exact same thing.  

I never like the IV inserting part.  But I love how I end up feeling!

Off to Never Never Land for a little while!

Now I just couldn't wait for the Holidays!  Having Cara with us was going to be wonderful.