Reconstructed Me: Blended Families

December marked one and half months post implant placement and I felt pretty good. But I was missing Cara immensely and finding myself lost without someone to take to care of besides myself. I wasn't exactly sure what to do anymore.

I tried to distract myself with Christmas and shopping and such but everything I saw made me think of Cara. Before she left after Thanksgiving she opened all of her Christmas presents at her request (so we obliged). It was so anticlimactic and I felt so "un-right" about the whole thing.

Dale threw himself into work by doing tons of overtime and he didn't want to talk a lot about Cara's absence. I on the other hand needed to talk about it with someone so my therapist got an earful on a weekly basis while I struggled to work through my emotions. I felt a lot of anger and I wasn't sure why. I was confused and sad and heartbroken all at the same time. My therapist said anger can often be a mechanism to avoid sadness and pain. It's like a shield we protect ourselves with. That made so much sense to me. And it explained why everytime I wanted to talk to Dale about it he would get agitated, uncomfortable and sometimes downright mad.

During December I had several doctor appointments. First to the gynecologist to discuss my breast cancer diagnosis after which she wrote me orders to have an ultrasound of my ovaries to get a baseline and see how they looked. Ovarian cancer, as many of you know, is highly correlated with breast cancer. Highly! There is a lot of ovarian cancer in my family. I still have not been tested for BRCA1 and 2 because my insurance won't agree to pay for it. They say it's not a covered benefit even in light of OBAMACARE which requires it to be covered. Some insurance policies are "Grandfathered" and don't have to change. That's a story I'm not done telling but it's for another day.

I woke up early the morning of my scheduled ultrasound and headed (along with all the morning traffic) to my appointment. It was a super cold morning, one that left everything covered in ice from the previous day and nights storm. I had the heat cranked up in the car and 15 minutes into my drive I heard this CRACK! My windshield was suddenly divided into upper and lower and had one big long line from one side to the other. Great, I thought. Nice way to start the morning. One more thing to take care of.

I arrived at my appointment a little late after getting "lost." They conducted the ultrasound of my ovaries which was not so bad really (my sister has instilled the fear of God into me for some reason). You have to arrive with a full bladder and since I got "lost" and was a bit late my bladder was extremely full and I could not wait for it to be over. Thankfully it's only the first part the requires the full bladder and they immediately let you go to the bathroom after (YAY!). I finished the rest and the doctor said everything looked great.

WOW! that was perhaps the first doctor appointment I'd had in a long time where someone said everything looked ok and they didn't order some other test or exam. I was pretty happy about that and so I treated myself to a Starbucks on the way home. But I didn't quite make it home...

...not so fast anyway. About 10 minutes after stopping for coffee the car started to overheat and was erupting all sorts of smoke from under the hood of the car so I pulled over of course and turned the car off. Mind you I'm on the side of Interstate 66 and I was not lovin' life at that moment. I called Dale and my father-in-law and the repair shop and the tow company and finally two hours later I was dropped off at my husband's work so I could take his car home. Meanwhile our car was at the shop being checked out. That would not go well either...

...almost $3,000 later the car was fixed. That's all I have to say about that.

I had two more doctor appointments before we needed to leave for Maine. My primary care doctor was swapping my antidepressant to prepare me for the new hormonal drug Tamoxifen that I would be taking for the next five years. I had been taking Prozac (I like it and did well on it). Now I was on Effexor. I can't say I was a big fan and it took some real adjusting to. I discussed my increased sadness and anxieties after Cara left so I wanted to adjust my anxiety medication dosage. That would help a lot. We also increased the Effexor dosage...that would NOT help (I'll discuss later). My plastic surgeon was just checking on the results of the implant placement and healing. Everything looked great! Yay, I love easy doctor visits.

The night before we left for Maine we attended the stage performance of ELF at the Kennedy Center in D.C. Oh my goodness was it fantastic! I love love love going to shows at the Kennedy Center. What a treat. And it was just like the movie which I adore. And to my surprise and delight, Dale really liked it too!

We hit the road at night which we always do when we drive to Maine. It helps us avoid the New York traffic...usually. This particular time we just so happened to get caught up in the fiasco that would be known as "Chris Christie Bridge Scandal." That right...it took us almost two hours to cross the George Washington Bridge while 4 lanes of late night trucking traffic all tried to merge into 1 lane of traffic while the bridge was under construction!!!!!!!! I was lucky that I could rest...but Dale was driving and he was not happy. He did however pass the time with lots of podcasts and a little gaming on his phone since an inchworm moved faster than we did. We would later learn what we had been caught in and the scandal it was.

We had a fantastic Christmas! My family always makes it wonderful when we visit. I love that I get to relax and just enjoy my cousins and my aunt and uncle. There home is certainly like my other home. It was a houseful for a good part of the week. Eight of us and three dogs eeeegadzz! But it works. We ate, we drank, we laughed, we played, we rested, we shopped and we ate and drank some more.

Matching PJ's Christmas Morning!

Cheers!

A Real Italian Sandwich by Amato's

Me and Courtney in N. Conway NH

My "other" Sister! xoxo

Lunch at The Black Cap in NH was sooooo good!

Leaving was hard but we did so just in time because a big storm was about to dump another foot of snow the very next day. Dale wanted to stay and get snowed in...I on the other hand was ready to get back to our routine. I had eaten enough for the next couple of weeks and I really needed my home and routine back. Plus I missed the cat. Go figure.

Niles

July ~ August ~ September

2013

So we all have to begin again at some point.

This is great inspiration. I love Jennifer Pastiloff!

My summer had a ton on the calendar and most of it included doctor visits, follow-ups, Cara and Jace (my adorable grandson). Cara needed to be registered for school, she was in two volleyball camps and needed to tryout for the volleyball team at her new high school.

But before Volleyball she gave a try at archery! Soooo Cooool! She was totally working her Katniss vibe from The Hunger Games!

And then we rescued a little kitten!

As though we needed something else to take care of...but I couldn't let him go. Cara wanted a cat and I had told her when the time was right, a cat would find its way to us. And then as we pulled into the grocery store parking lot in the heat of July there here was. He ran and got up under the hood of someone's car where the engine is. Three men helped us get him out. How could I possibly say to Cara he wasn't meant for us? He presented himself loud and clear.

We named him Niles.

I think Cara spent the entire summer, besides taking excellent care of me, sweating her butt off on the volleyball court of her high school. After Maine, she had completed the two camps back to back and each one started early in the morning and ended in the late afternoon. They were everyday of the week.

That sweet girl was pooped by the time it was over. And then the tryouts for the team started. They ran daily and all day as well. And even after making the team she continued to practice with the team daily until school started...and then until the season ended. It was a little insane and it was my first time being any sort of "sport mom." As tiring as it was I have to report that I really loved being so involved her life for the first time.

My Birthday Came And Went!

Thirty Eight Years sure goes by quick! And I found myself pondering all that had happened in those nearly four decades of my life. And asking the question we all ask when we're given the diagnosis of cancer.

"Why me?" "How did this happen?" "What now?"

I'll tell you a secret. The only question you are going to be able to answer is the "What now?"

And not everyone will find it right away. A few do I think. But I'm still figuring that one out. I'll let you all know when I find my answer to that very very big question and dilemma.

On the weekends when we had down time we tried to relax...just relax!

And then the Cicadas came!

After 17 years in the ground, they emerged and the whole state of Virginia was a buzzzzzzz!

We also had a friendly Toad that appeared every night outside our door entry. After the long summer he got pretty fat. One night while walking the dog I saw one in the parking lot of our apartments that was bigger than any toad I had ever seen and I shooed him away so he wouldn't be smooshed by a passing car.

Just before school started Cara's mom (my husband's ex-wife) came to visit and spend some time with Cara before she started school. It was a very nice visit. Her mom and I had managed over the years to become friends. And I truly valued our relationship because the one person who would benefit beyond measure from that relationship would be Cara. She spent 10 days with us and she was able to see Cara practice with her team (she made JV her Freshman year) and be here when she got home from her first day of high school. It was great.

We really tried to normalize our lives again even though we weren't sure how.