Plot Twist!

June 22, 2013

19 Days Post Op

My husband and I were picking up one of my prescriptions from the pharmacy.  As we were leaving the drive thru of the pharmacy we curved around through the parking lot slowly (as we always do and everyone should) and suddenly Dale slammed on the horn and brakes and my body jarred forward so hard the seat belt stopped me.  Meanwhile the car backing out of their parking space without care or observation continued reversing into my side of the car.

It's funny how life can change in a little moment like that.  The driver was a young girl in her twenties on her way to a friends wedding.  She was from out of town and had forgotten a card so she had stopped quick to run into the store and grab a last minute card.  You know the story, you're running late, you're mind is thinking twenty steps ahead and you just stop being careful.  

She was dressed so lovely and her hair was done so pretty.  I could tell by the time she stepped out of the car and realized what had happened she was just a mess.  She was visibly shaken and began to cry.  My husband was so sweet to her and helped calm her down and let her know it was going to be okay.  She was a reminder of his oldest daughter.  He even spoke to her mother on the phone and made sure she knew she was okay.  She was in college and the car was in her mother's name and so was the insurance.

Accidents happen.  

He gathered all the necessary information while I sat in the front seat feeling intense pain and an inability to turn around to see them.  My neck was in pain for the jarring of the quick stop and collision.  But worse was the feeling I was having in my right breast.  Or should I say my right expander.

After all those necessary matters were handled we went home.  Dale was wishing he had just gone alone and I wishing the poor girl had heard the horn or looked over her shoulder before backing out.  

I called my plastic surgeon about the accident and pain.  He said I should come in so I did.  Observing the expander is difficult.  You can only feel it really and compare one side to the other.  All looked well, except the obvious pain.  So he wrote me a prescription for a muscle relaxer and sent me home, encouraging me to keep an eye on it and if there were any changes to call.

Things looked good for a couple of weeks actually.  I even went in for another fill right before we left for our annual 4th of July Vacation.  But they didn't stay good.

...To Be Continued

Recovery

June 2013

The aftermath of my bilateral mastectomy was nothing like what I anticipated.  In good and not-so-good ways.  It was very very painful.  And you are so incredibly dependent on others for help.  In my case I had my sweet husband and my parents for a few days after surgery but then my parents had to leave and my husband had to go back to work (someone had to work).  And then my sweet stepdaughter was there with me. 

 

ILUFTBOMH

My Super Sweet Amazing Dad and Mom

Our friend Jenn brought amazing lasagna for an army!

My in-laws

Friends brought warm wishes and food. 

Cards arrived along with flowers and gifts of encouragement.

You would be amazed in times of crisis and pain like this who arrives and who fades into the shadows.  There are those you could have perfectly predicted which way they would go, but there are those who will surprise and disappoint the hell out of you.  People you never anticipated or imagined will come and provide you with love and generosity.  A kind word.  A reminder that if you need anything all you need to do is ask.  Then there are those you thought you knew without a doubt would be there...and they are no where to be found.  

This happens for various reasons I only attempt to understand.  I think a lot of people don't know how to deal with trauma, crises, and change.  Some are dealing with the confrontation of their own immortality and lack of control in the realm of disease.  While others just simply have no good reason and have ultimately failed you as a friend or family member.  Those are the people I will never understand but I do know where I stand with them moving forward in my valuable life.

Once you've realized who IS there for you then it's time to take advantage of their offers and generosity.  You can not do this alone!  You can not clean, cook, do laundry, walk the dog, take your children to school or practice.  You can barely go to the bathroom alone.  And believe me in the beginning I thought it was so humiliating to have to ask for some of the help I needed from my loved ones.  But then I realized how humble I became and how pronounced their love for me felt.  They were there for me just like I would be for them.  Let them be there for you.  You need it.  Because there are some emotional and painful days ahead.  

I'm not too proud to show you how much I hurt.  How angry I was.

Sleeping seems impossible.  Positioning and pain make sleeping very uncomfortable.  I was always a belly and side sleeper.  Now I could only sleep on my back and I had to be elevated from the waist up.  I disliked this so intensely.  I felt like I was sleeping in the position I would be if I were in a coffin.  Stiff-like with my arms beside me and when I could manage, I finally could place my hands on my stomach and lie with them clasped together.  I did get used to it.  Because that would last for 6 + months!

Then there are those lovely tissue expanders that are taking the space where your breast tissue once resided.  They are very uncomfortable and stiff - not soft.  That too subsides with time and fills.  But they are never something you love.  And eventually when they get swapped out for your implants it's like night and day.  You get immediate relief.  Sleeping still remains awkward but also becomes easier as time goes by.

My first shower was day two at home I believe.  The thought of taking my clothes completely off was like the thought of climbing Mt. Everest...IMPOSSIBLE.  Just pulling my pants down to sit on the toilet was beyond what I ever knew what discomfort could be.  But I had to do it.  So with the help of Dale we began.  Slowly undressing, being ever so careful of dressings, drains, grenades and all.  Taking the compression bra off was hard for two reasons.  One, it releases you from the known pressure you've had for days.  It's like releasing a bungee cord.  Second, I had to let Dale see me in all my deconstruction/reconstruction.  I was both terrified and vulnerable.  But he impressed me.  He loved me.  I cried.

First Shower.  First Look At My New Chest.  Shocking.

He ever so carefully and gently and slowly removed it all.  Started my shower.  Helped me reattach the grenades to a special belt you wear in the shower.  He applied ointment to the drain exit sites on my skin so they wouldn't get infected from showering.  Here I was thinking I was the brave one.  How wrong I was.  He was the brave one.  He was the one speaking words of encouragement, reassurance and love.  I'll never be more thankful for anyones help during those days than Dale's and Cara's.  She was my girl too.  After Dale returned to work, she too had to help me through all these daily routines.

I won't lie, that shower was rough.  Moving your arms and shoulders and abdomen are beyond painful.  I made it quick.  Then the feat of dressing again was in front of me but we got through that too.  I highly recommend loose loose clothing and things that are super easy to remove alone or with help.  I wore my husbands big button up shirts and sweatpants.  Nothing that had to come up over my head!  

The drains and grenades were annoying, and lousy to deal with.  I'm the kinda girl who has a weak stomach.  The beginning of all of this was rough, but I can say I got a stronger stomach by the time it was over.  I got used to the routine and emptying the grenades and recording their collection.  Within two weeks they were all gone.  Thank God!

FOOD and H2O

You must eat and hydrate!

For weeks I lived on soft foods mostly.  Smoothies, water, soups, eggs and the like.  Miralax was my best friend because between the anesthesia and pain medications constipation is a battle you don't want to fight.  Miralax is gentle and you can add it to almost anything and not taste it or feel it (no grit).  I put it in every smoothie.  

Smoothies should be nutritious since you aren't eating like usual.  I recommend using a blender like the Ninja found easily in stores like Bed Bath and Beyond or Amazon.com.  I like to use lots of spinach, kale, barley grass (powder), beet juice (powder), carrot juice (powder), frozen fruits of all varieties, any sort of yogurt (I prefer greek), milk (almond, coconut, soy, etc) and a little juice of your choice.   It's amazing what energy this will bring you.You can even add flax seed into the mix to aid you with your fight against constipation.  You will never be afraid of words like this after cancer. 

Eventually you need to start moving.  Even if it's just to the other side of the room and back.  Then to the kitchen and back.  Then you progress more and more.  Physical Therapy is highly recommended.  Most hospitals provided this as part of your treatment.  I did not take advantage of it, and I regret it.  I am now being advised to seek it out anyway, even though I am now 8 months post surgery.  So I encourage you to seek physical therapy, they specialize in the treatment of women who've been through this procedure and know what muscles and joints to work.  See you doctor for a referral.

The important thing to remember along this journey is to be a good patient.  Let people help you, follow advice from your medical team, don't try to be a superhero and start doing things you shouldn't be doing too soon.  That will come in time.  For now, just be the patient.  Gather your laptop, cellphone, all 3 seasons of Downton Abbey, books that have been on your "to read" list for far too long and RELAX! 

I swore to wear pink nail polish for the year and Cara would paint my nails for me!

Take good care of your body so it can heal.  And rest.  Rest is essential for healing and recovery and for your mental and emotional state.  Those medications can really mess with us so staying home is best.  Avoid going anywhere other than doctor appointments (and have someone take you).

Also remember, this is a long recovery.  It takes a long long time to recover.  Plus you probably have other surgeries ahead depending on your path.  Your mindset should remain in the moment, not too far ahead so that you don't get overwhelmed.  And this is not only a recovery of the physical body, but one of the mind, heart and soul.

And you do start to feel good little by little.  One day at a time.  I remember the first time I did my hair after all the drains were gone.  What a celebration!  When I felt good, I looked good.  When I didn't, I just didn't.  You'll get there.  It just takes time.

After my surgery I started a page on Facebook called Healthy Heart and Soul to help encourage people to live healthy, inspired lives.  I wanted to help myself by helping spread words of wisdom, healthy habits, nutritional advice, and plain old encouragement to keep going in this crazy world.  We all struggle.  We all need little reminders that we are not alone and that there is always hope.  Always!

The Big Day...The Day I Said Goodbye To My Big Boobs

June 3, 2013 

A Few Before Pics To Honor The Girls In All Their Glory

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I never would have been the type of girl who would elect surgery of any kind, especially cosmetic.  Sure there were things I didn't like about myself, but I accepted those things and could live with them.  So the fact that I was about to lose both my breasts was very devastating.  And the idea of reconstruction instilled a great amount of fear.  What would I look like when this was all over with?

I guess all those questions would be answered in the hours, days, weeks and months to come.  Remember, one of the keys to this process is taking things one thing at a time.  One moment at a time.  Thinking any other way only gets your mind all twisted up in tizzy.  And no one wants that.

This excerpt from a book my mom gave me after my diagnosis helped me with my feelings.

Upon check in at the hospital you do the usual stuff.  Sign in, give all your info, insurance info, confirm what you're having surgery for, get your wristbands and then you're sent to a waiting room to be called back for your surgery.  It was early morning that day in June.

I went back to the waiting room with my husband.  My parents and Cara came shortly after.  I had a bag of things to keep me busy and my mind off things until being called back but before I could get settled the nurse appeared and called my name.  All I could think was "Nooooo, not yet!"  I hugged my father and kissed Cara and my mom.  Dale was allowed to go with me and thank goodness because I might otherwise have been a total blubbering mess.

Immediately they take you to your pre-op area.  Behind a curtain you undress.  The anesthesiologist comes to see you, the nurse comes to see you the tech comes to see you, the doctor arrives and comes to see you (in my case both doctors, breast surgeon and plastic surgeon).  You start getting pumped with drugs to calm you and prepare you for the trip back to the O.R.  The plastic surgeon marks you up with his marker and makes you mark the breast that has the cancer.  I wrote YES on my right boob.  Even though both were being removed, they start with the non cancer side so not to cross contaminate possible cancer cells.  Everyone was great and I can't complain one bit.  My experience was wonderful in pre-op.

This pic is actually a while after surgery.  So these are my after boobs.
You might wonder why the marker is still on my skin?  I promise you no one who has had their boods removed and rebuilt wants to scrub their skin for a while!

They allowed my dad to come back right before to rolled me away.  I loved that moment.  I am very close to my dad and this cancer deal was a very hard thing for us to get through together.  We hugged tightly, shed a tear or two and promised to see each other soon.  Then they were ready to roll me back.  I hugged Dale, and when we kissed I didn't want our lips to part.  I was afraid but didn't want anyone to know how afraid.

Me and My Pops

As they rolled me back to the O.R. they kept me comfortable with warm blankets and small talk.  I could really feel the meds kicking in.  We quickly arrived into the room where it would all go down and I immediately noticed how cold it was, how hollow is sounded and how sterile and "uncomfy" it seemed.

They helped me moved from one gurney to another and by the time they asked me if I was comfortable and doing okay all I remember was saying yes and seeing the big bright light above me.  And I was down for the count.  The next thing I would recall was waking in the recovery room 5-6 hours later.

During that time here's basically what goes down.  The breast surgeon removes all the breast tissue from the good side first.  When he is done, the plastic surgeon starts reconstructing.  Then the breast surgeon removes all the breast tissue and cancer and samples lymph nodes on the diseased breast (in my case 11 nodes) and then the plastic surgeon starts reconstruction on that side.  The nodes are tested immediately to determine exposure to cancer.  Thankfully mine showed none.  During the reconstruction the surgeon places expanders where your breast tissue once was and closes you up, leaving you (me) with four drains (two on each side) and they wrap you like a mummy and stuff you into a special support bra.

Had to capture the moment during the night.

I was extremely groggy when I woke up.  And extremely nauseous.  Anesthesia and me don't like each other...especially when I started to try and eat food and drink liquids.  I spent the night in the hospital and Dale stayed with me.  They checked on me continuously making it hard to sleep, not to mention my chest felt like a ton of bricks was laying on it and my boobs had just been excised!  The pain was being managed for the most part, but it was very painful despite pain meds.  I threw up constantly.  And in the morning when they wanted me to start moving and eating, I continued to throw up.  I was given some great anti-nausea meds finally.  It was late afternoon by the time I was cleared to go home.  I had no idea how they could send women home so early.  I felt incapable of anything.  I couldn't even go to the bathroom without help.

Oh the embarrassments we overcome when you have cancer.

That's me in the hospital room bathroom trying to get ready to go home.  That's the beautiful special support compression bra and those are my lovely drains and bulbs a.k.a grenades that stay pinned to you wherever you go even after you go home!  How fun right?

That's the pic I sent out to let everyone know I made it!

My wonderful parents were waiting for me at home along with Cara.  I don't remember the ride home and the two flights of stairs I had to conquer before entering my apartment was a task only possible with the entire help of Dale and my parents.  I went straight to my bed and there I stayed for what seems weeks.  More of that to come.

Overall I have to say that the experience, while undesirable and never one I would choose without need, was a good one.  I loved the staff, the hospital, the wonderfully gifted and talented people who played a role in my preparation, procedure, recovery and release.  I have to give my best and biggest shout outs to my breast surgeon, Dr. Hernan Vargas, my plastic surgeon, Dr. Mark Venturi and my breast surgeon's PA, Mary Z.  Mary has left a imprint on my heart and I will always feel blessed by her care and concern.  I continue to believe that God placed all of these people in my path to provide me with the best possible care and the best possible outcome.

PEACE!