Recovery

June 2013

The aftermath of my bilateral mastectomy was nothing like what I anticipated.  In good and not-so-good ways.  It was very very painful.  And you are so incredibly dependent on others for help.  In my case I had my sweet husband and my parents for a few days after surgery but then my parents had to leave and my husband had to go back to work (someone had to work).  And then my sweet stepdaughter was there with me. 

 

ILUFTBOMH

My Super Sweet Amazing Dad and Mom

Our friend Jenn brought amazing lasagna for an army!

My in-laws

Friends brought warm wishes and food. 

Cards arrived along with flowers and gifts of encouragement.

You would be amazed in times of crisis and pain like this who arrives and who fades into the shadows.  There are those you could have perfectly predicted which way they would go, but there are those who will surprise and disappoint the hell out of you.  People you never anticipated or imagined will come and provide you with love and generosity.  A kind word.  A reminder that if you need anything all you need to do is ask.  Then there are those you thought you knew without a doubt would be there...and they are no where to be found.  

This happens for various reasons I only attempt to understand.  I think a lot of people don't know how to deal with trauma, crises, and change.  Some are dealing with the confrontation of their own immortality and lack of control in the realm of disease.  While others just simply have no good reason and have ultimately failed you as a friend or family member.  Those are the people I will never understand but I do know where I stand with them moving forward in my valuable life.

Once you've realized who IS there for you then it's time to take advantage of their offers and generosity.  You can not do this alone!  You can not clean, cook, do laundry, walk the dog, take your children to school or practice.  You can barely go to the bathroom alone.  And believe me in the beginning I thought it was so humiliating to have to ask for some of the help I needed from my loved ones.  But then I realized how humble I became and how pronounced their love for me felt.  They were there for me just like I would be for them.  Let them be there for you.  You need it.  Because there are some emotional and painful days ahead.  

I'm not too proud to show you how much I hurt.  How angry I was.

Sleeping seems impossible.  Positioning and pain make sleeping very uncomfortable.  I was always a belly and side sleeper.  Now I could only sleep on my back and I had to be elevated from the waist up.  I disliked this so intensely.  I felt like I was sleeping in the position I would be if I were in a coffin.  Stiff-like with my arms beside me and when I could manage, I finally could place my hands on my stomach and lie with them clasped together.  I did get used to it.  Because that would last for 6 + months!

Then there are those lovely tissue expanders that are taking the space where your breast tissue once resided.  They are very uncomfortable and stiff - not soft.  That too subsides with time and fills.  But they are never something you love.  And eventually when they get swapped out for your implants it's like night and day.  You get immediate relief.  Sleeping still remains awkward but also becomes easier as time goes by.

My first shower was day two at home I believe.  The thought of taking my clothes completely off was like the thought of climbing Mt. Everest...IMPOSSIBLE.  Just pulling my pants down to sit on the toilet was beyond what I ever knew what discomfort could be.  But I had to do it.  So with the help of Dale we began.  Slowly undressing, being ever so careful of dressings, drains, grenades and all.  Taking the compression bra off was hard for two reasons.  One, it releases you from the known pressure you've had for days.  It's like releasing a bungee cord.  Second, I had to let Dale see me in all my deconstruction/reconstruction.  I was both terrified and vulnerable.  But he impressed me.  He loved me.  I cried.

First Shower.  First Look At My New Chest.  Shocking.

He ever so carefully and gently and slowly removed it all.  Started my shower.  Helped me reattach the grenades to a special belt you wear in the shower.  He applied ointment to the drain exit sites on my skin so they wouldn't get infected from showering.  Here I was thinking I was the brave one.  How wrong I was.  He was the brave one.  He was the one speaking words of encouragement, reassurance and love.  I'll never be more thankful for anyones help during those days than Dale's and Cara's.  She was my girl too.  After Dale returned to work, she too had to help me through all these daily routines.

I won't lie, that shower was rough.  Moving your arms and shoulders and abdomen are beyond painful.  I made it quick.  Then the feat of dressing again was in front of me but we got through that too.  I highly recommend loose loose clothing and things that are super easy to remove alone or with help.  I wore my husbands big button up shirts and sweatpants.  Nothing that had to come up over my head!  

The drains and grenades were annoying, and lousy to deal with.  I'm the kinda girl who has a weak stomach.  The beginning of all of this was rough, but I can say I got a stronger stomach by the time it was over.  I got used to the routine and emptying the grenades and recording their collection.  Within two weeks they were all gone.  Thank God!

FOOD and H2O

You must eat and hydrate!

For weeks I lived on soft foods mostly.  Smoothies, water, soups, eggs and the like.  Miralax was my best friend because between the anesthesia and pain medications constipation is a battle you don't want to fight.  Miralax is gentle and you can add it to almost anything and not taste it or feel it (no grit).  I put it in every smoothie.  

Smoothies should be nutritious since you aren't eating like usual.  I recommend using a blender like the Ninja found easily in stores like Bed Bath and Beyond or Amazon.com.  I like to use lots of spinach, kale, barley grass (powder), beet juice (powder), carrot juice (powder), frozen fruits of all varieties, any sort of yogurt (I prefer greek), milk (almond, coconut, soy, etc) and a little juice of your choice.   It's amazing what energy this will bring you.You can even add flax seed into the mix to aid you with your fight against constipation.  You will never be afraid of words like this after cancer. 

Eventually you need to start moving.  Even if it's just to the other side of the room and back.  Then to the kitchen and back.  Then you progress more and more.  Physical Therapy is highly recommended.  Most hospitals provided this as part of your treatment.  I did not take advantage of it, and I regret it.  I am now being advised to seek it out anyway, even though I am now 8 months post surgery.  So I encourage you to seek physical therapy, they specialize in the treatment of women who've been through this procedure and know what muscles and joints to work.  See you doctor for a referral.

The important thing to remember along this journey is to be a good patient.  Let people help you, follow advice from your medical team, don't try to be a superhero and start doing things you shouldn't be doing too soon.  That will come in time.  For now, just be the patient.  Gather your laptop, cellphone, all 3 seasons of Downton Abbey, books that have been on your "to read" list for far too long and RELAX! 

I swore to wear pink nail polish for the year and Cara would paint my nails for me!

Take good care of your body so it can heal.  And rest.  Rest is essential for healing and recovery and for your mental and emotional state.  Those medications can really mess with us so staying home is best.  Avoid going anywhere other than doctor appointments (and have someone take you).

Also remember, this is a long recovery.  It takes a long long time to recover.  Plus you probably have other surgeries ahead depending on your path.  Your mindset should remain in the moment, not too far ahead so that you don't get overwhelmed.  And this is not only a recovery of the physical body, but one of the mind, heart and soul.

And you do start to feel good little by little.  One day at a time.  I remember the first time I did my hair after all the drains were gone.  What a celebration!  When I felt good, I looked good.  When I didn't, I just didn't.  You'll get there.  It just takes time.

After my surgery I started a page on Facebook called Healthy Heart and Soul to help encourage people to live healthy, inspired lives.  I wanted to help myself by helping spread words of wisdom, healthy habits, nutritional advice, and plain old encouragement to keep going in this crazy world.  We all struggle.  We all need little reminders that we are not alone and that there is always hope.  Always!