It's been three days since the biopsies were done.
2 p.m. - I was at work when I noticed a call coming through on my cell phone. It was my primary care physician. I ignored the call. My husband also just happened to have his regularly scheduled check up with our doctor that afternoon at 4 p.m. I didn't want to answer the call while at work, but I got a bad feeling when I saw the number come across my phone. I waited fifteen minutes before I decided I needed to just swallow my fear and call them back.
First, I listened to the voice mail they left me. It was the doctor's assistant. She said,
"Hi Melissa, it's Macy at your doctor's office. Your husband has an appointment today at 4 p.m. and we would like you to come with him."As soon as I heard the message my heart stopped, my stomach flipped about 20 times and I began to sweat. Anxiety overwhelmed me. I tried harder than I've ever tried to keep it together and not let the people at my work see my distress. I'm certain I didn't succeed in fooling anyone.
I gathered more courage to dial the number to the doctor office. When they answered I asked for Macy. When she appeared on the phone I said in my happiest most casual voice I could muster,
"Hi Macy, it's Melissa. I got your message. Is everything okay?"She said that my doctor wanted to see me and that it would be best if I came with my husband. I asked her if it was about my biopsy results and she quickly confirmed that is was. I was direct and asked if the news was bad. Why else would they want to see me in person, I thought to myself? She said they aren't allowed to discuss results over the phone. Again with a firm voice I said,
"I don't want to leave work unless it's really important. Give me a sign Macy, do I really need to come in."She said yes, you should come in.
F*CK!!!!!!!!!!
I tried to reach my husband immediately but he didn't pick up. So I called my office manager. I went into the break room to speak to her about the phone call I had just received from my doctor's office. I had barely started to let the words out and there it was - the crack in my voice. It was all over. I could no longer contain my fear. I was officially freaking out.
"I need to leave as soon as possible, the doctor called and they want to discuss the results of the biopsy."It's bad, it must be bad. That's all I kept thinking. Finally I reached my husband and told him to come pick me up on his way to his doctor appointment. "What's the matter?" he said. I conveyed as much as I could remember (in my panicked state) and in the frenzy of it all he has the presence of mind to assure me he would be there soon and I would be okay. But, would I?
I did my best to finish up my work before leaving the office. Before I knew it we were in the car driving to the office together. We were silent, mostly. Not knowing what to say or think. I was crying, without sobbing. Holding my breath and then releasing it. My hands were sweating. Ever the optimist, Dale assured me it would be okay and that whatever news we were given we would get through it "together."
As we pulled into the office parking lot I tried to collect myself. I wanted to appear confident and spare the staff from the emotional mess I might become, if the news was truly bad. We signed in and I took a seat. Dale sat down and took my hand and held it comfortingly tight. I did not want to let go.
Macy came to the waiting room and called us back. The whole thing was surreal. We sat through my husband's entire check up without mention of why I was there. They took his weight first, then his blood pressure and temperature. Then we went back to the room to wait for the doctor to see him.
Our doctor is always cheerful and he likes to say "okie dokie" and "alrighty" a lot. I think it's a nervous tick he has, but it's cute. He sat down and reviewed my husbands vitals. All was good. His blood pressure was under control (given the state of the hour, I was surprised it wasn't through the roof). His weight was down, which was a good thing. All in all, Dale was in a good state of health.
My husband expressed a recent increase in stress levels - for obvious reasons. The doctor nodded and at this point he began to address to cause of the stress.
My health.
As he shuffled through some papers he said "we received the results of the biopsy." He did his best to put a positive spin on the entire diagnosis. Early stage breast cancer. I went numb. Blank. No emotion. This surprised the hell out of me. I didn't know what was going on anymore.
The calcifications came back as Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS). The lump came back as Invasive Mammary Ductal Carcinoma. The next steps were to see a Breast Surgeon and have an MRI. These appointments were already made for me by the office.
I kept thinking my life was not happening like this. This was NOT real.
We both left the office with a sort of numbness and a handful of prescriptions. We were both back on anxiety medication that neither of us had needed since our years of financial struggle. Yay! What great times.
That night, Dale called his parents. I called my parents.
I felt the most emotionally vulnerable when talking to my dad. It broke my heart to tell him. I could hear the hard swallow and choking up in his throat through the phone. All I could do was say I am so glad you will be here soon.
Coincidentally my parents were planning a trip here in the next 4 weeks. I'd like to think God had a hand in that timing.
All we can do now is focus on what's next. Meeting with the surgeon and getting an MRI.
And prayer. Lots of prayer.
I knew my husband was far more afraid than he let on and I was thankful we had the weekend to process all of this before we would both have to return to work the following Monday.
Tuesday we would meet with the surgeon.
Depression, which I've battled with on and off most of my life, was waiting in the shadows. Waiting to sink it's teeth into me.
The next bit of time was going to be rough. I could tell.
No comments:
Post a Comment